


With the ghost of you

by ninthdreamie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Character Turned Into a Ghost, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee Are Soulmates, M/M, Narration Heavy, inspired by 5SOS' ghost of you, inspired by A Ghost Story (2017)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27178724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninthdreamie/pseuds/ninthdreamie
Summary: It’s a whole other level of pain, now made aware that he is reduced to the direction of the wind. He just takes up space; he isn’t meant to be there at all, he isn’t supposed to be felt. And he isn’t alive to tell him this.In which Mark is a ghost, and slowly watches the love of his life slip away.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 10
Kudos: 73
Collections: NCT Spookfest 2020





	With the ghost of you

**Author's Note:**

> writing and eventually, posting this fic feels like greeting "happy halloween" while i hold a cake that is baked with love and care, and also an overload of self-projection no one wanted to taste in it. if the premise of this will feel greatly familiar to you, then yes, it should. bc this fic's inspired by the 2017 film A Ghost Story. okay enough talking, enjoy!
> 
> (also, unedited and unbeta-ed. forgive me for the errors.)

He refuses for it to be real. It shouldn’t be, considering that three days ago, he woke up to his face bathed in sunlight. Three days ago, they were talking about everything and nothing while still lying on their bed, and it was a moment he wouldn’t mind going on for forever.

They were talking like living and breathing was a privilege that wouldn’t be taken away from them, like they weren’t going to run out of time together. But here they are, unfortunately.

Mark stands near his own body, horrified at how peaceful he looks amidst everything else going on. Blood doesn’t stop flowing from the huge gash on his head, and he’s only jerking because the doctor and nurses are trying to bring him back to life. The ECG keeps beeping, showing that the lines are flat.

He looks so peaceful, like he came to terms with his demise, even if that is not what he truly feels. Mark walks past the medical staff, trying his best not to bump into them, even if he knows they won’t. He is practically invisible now, he ceased to exist just a few minutes ago, and it can’t seem to sink in. He refuses all of this to be real, this may just be a horrible nightmare.

But it all crashes down on him when he watches the love of his life waiting with his parents, expecting the best news to come out of the emergency room his body’s in. There’s tears slipping from his eyes, and there’s hope swimming in his pupils.

For the first time in his life—if he can still call this one, Mark feels completely hopeless. He doesn’t know where and who to turn to, because no one can see him panicking like this. Even if he’ll try to call his mom, dad, and Donghyuck, they won’t hear him. His body is useless; only his soul remains.

And all his soul can do is wander aimlessly, and watch everything unfold.

Eventually, he watches the doctor that tried to save him go to them. From their stance, he can tell that they have witnessed so many deaths in their career, and he’s just another unfortunate casualty added to that long list. Mark trails behind him, as if that can do him any good.

He hears the doctor break the news to his family, and the hope that remained in Donghyuck’s eyes disappear in a blink. It plays out like the movies he watched; there’s a painful moment of silence before tears start to fill the hallway, and his mom nearly risks her own life by holding everything in. His dad just stands there, trying to process everything, trying to be strong.

The doctor takes his leave before they all break. Donghyuck seems to space out at first, until he lets more tears fall, until he’s the one who has the most painful sob Mark has ever heard. He isn’t the one who breaks down ungracefully, he’s the one who takes a seat and crumples up his jeans as he silently cries. He’s the one who isn’t comforted, he’s the one who mourns alone.

After all, in the eyes of Mark’s family, he is just the friend whom Mark grew up with. They’re attached to the hip because they’re _best friends_. They don’t know that they’ve been in love, and have been hiding their relationship so well up to this moment.

Donghyuck has this look on his face, like he wants to enter the operating room his body is in, and be the one to revive him. The thought makes Mark tear up, because he wants to hug him so badly and tell him that he’s right next to him.

But again, all he can do is wander and watch everything unfold.

*

It’s not only Donghyuck that mourns like this.

Their friend group arrived at their shared apartment this morning. Renjun’s the first one that walks past the door while trying to take his shoes off, and he watches him tear up. In every single corner of the place, there’s something Mark left. Rather than it being a gentle reminder that he’s a constant in Donghyuck’s life, it’s a painful way of reminding him that he’s gone.

 _Gone_ , and there’s nothing they can do to bring him back.

Mark watches Chenle try to help a heartbroken and still unconscious Donghyuck out of the couch, but to no avail. It’s impossible for him to cooperate, he drank so much the night before, but they don’t have the heart to scold him for it.

He watches Jaemin take a seat on the dining table, a hand over his mouth, trying to hold in his sob. Jisung doesn’t even try anymore, he’s already whimpering as he removes all the emptied beer bottles from the coffee table. The one Mark is concerned about the most though is Jeno.

Jeno is not one to talk about his emotions all the time, he isn’t very open compared to the rest. It’s why Mark is not surprised to see him enter the bathroom, and then stay there for quite a while.

Throughout the days when he was alive, he thought that good and well-made horror movies were the only things that could haunt him. He didn’t expect Jeno’s crying to leave a mark on him that would never go away.

Mark is hit with the urge to comfort all of them, to make them gather in the living room and hug them tightly, but he feels hollow knowing that he can’t act on it. He has no other choice but to wander around the apartment and watch them grieve.

He wants to tell them that they haven’t lost him. In a way, he’s still with them. He wonders if Renjun and Jisung, the only people who believe in supernatural entities, can sense him. People in the paranormal side of things have said that ghosts can be seen by people who believe in them, right?

So he tries. He taps Renjun’s shoulder. He doesn’t get a reaction related to his action, he only watches him fix his shirt. Not all hope is lost though, so it’s okay. He then walks over to Jisung, and does the same.

There is no reaction as well. His touch is nothing but the wind brushing through the apartment’s open windows, a sensation often overlooked. The movies made him think that if he managed to touch anyone, they would feel it, but that doesn’t seem to be the case now.

It’s a whole other level of pain, now made aware that he is reduced to the direction of the wind. He just takes up space; he isn’t meant to be there at all, he isn’t supposed to be felt. And he isn’t alive to tell him this.

Like the first time, he can only wander and watch everything unfold. Mark watches the rest of them run to Donghyuck who is awakened by Jisung’s clumsiness, completely unaware that he’s there to witness a tearful reunion.

A reunion that he promised to be present in before.

*

Days seemed to pass even slower than before for him. For the first time, he finally understands how being left behind feels like. The living seem to be moving like they’re in a time lapse, they move like there’s no tomorrow left for them at all.

If he were alive now, everyone wouldn’t be this fast. And he thought that he was living life in a laid back manner.

Ever since he left his body, he started losing track of the days and weeks. What matters is that the dimension he’s in feels like a painful infinity, so he is surprised to see that he’s in the middle of a cemetery now. The only person Mark is following is Donghyuck, who isn’t doing any better.

It’s as if the best parts of him were taken away the moment he died. Mark just wants to give it back to him, but how?

Donghyuck is with the rest of their friends. Just like everyone else, they’re dressed in black. Sunglasses seem to be the main dress code for his dearest loved ones though, wearing them even if it looks like it’s about to rain just to hide their bloodshot eyes.

Mark thinks they don’t have to waste this much tears on him. Oh, if only he could console them now.

He knows how these kinds of occasions go. They go to the columbary to keep the urn in some space. They make sure to also put things that remind them of the deceased, not the ones that have too much sentimental value though. Instead, they put some of Mark’s valuables in the space, which includes his headphones.

The chest tightens at the sight of his headphones. It’s the first one his parents bought for him, the one he kept in good condition for a solid five years until he bought a new one with his own savings. And it’s something disposable, it didn’t matter to him much before.

But now that he is where he is, he starts to long for it. He wants to put his headphones on and drown the sadness circling his head, like he used to. Just as he thought he was about to accept his fate, he suddenly doesn’t want to. He wants to go back.

He wants to be given more time to at least bid them all a proper goodbye, to give everyone including himself closure. That only works in the movies, however.

Death is just as cruel as life itself, he realizes.

Just as he opts for staring at the urn that contains his cremated body, someone rushes out of the columbary. Said someone is Donghyuck, and it’s as if some string is connecting them together, because he finds himself trailing behind him.

And he is forced to watch him break down somewhere far from where the rest are, surrounded by tombstones of people they barely know. It’s dramatic to see him act like this he knows, but if he was in Donghyuck’s shoes, he would have done the same. He might do worse, actually.

When he crouches down just so he can at least meet Donghyuck eye to eye, he starts to feel _something_ in his chest. No, it does not feel like he’s being stabbed. It doesn’t feel like he’s being hurt too, but there is a shift happening, and he feels it come _quickly_. Mark suddenly finds it hard to breathe.

“I shouldn’t have said that,” Donghyuck sobs as he lies down on the grass, curling in on himself like a fetus, stare directed at nowhere at all. “I want him back. I want Mark hyung back. Please.”

 _Shouldn’t have said what?_ Mark can’t recall what else happened on the day of the accident anymore. It’s as if his soul chose to wipe it out of his memories, and he’s torn between feeling gratitude and anger. His state of being is somewhere in between now, and he isn’t sure if he can hold on to Donghyuck much longer.

If there really is some string connecting them, then Mark feels it getting thinner by every minute.

As much as he wants to do something to keep holding on, all he can do is wander and watch everything unfold. In the midst of watching his breath get cut short from all the crying, Mark thinks that probably his best parts got taken away from Donghyuck too.

*

For most of his time as a ghost, he stays attached to Donghyuck. The more time passes, the more dread Mark is starting to feel within his stomach, because being stuck with the love of his life has more cons than pros now.

Life goes fast, that’s for sure. On some days, Mark lies next to a crying Donghyuck, feeling the shift when he watches him hold onto one of his old clothes tighter. Surprisingly, that goes on for a pretty short time.

On most days though, he watches Donghyuck glow in the presence of family and friends both old and new. The aura he carries now does not really compare to the times back when he was alive; it seems like it has dimmed. Nonetheless, he is still beautiful.

He should have seen this coming, really. He is gone after all, he stopped existing forever ago. He has prepared himself for this, has thought about this properly and even decided on letting him go once it unfolds.

But it’s easier said than done, really. The string is still there when Mark watches Donghyuck kiss someone else under the beautiful night sky, and he just...cannot believe he has to witness all this. He wants to turn away, wants to break it off for a while so he doesn’t have to feel pain.

However, there really is a force pulling him along. He is forced to watch Donghyuck take this man back to their apartment, and the dread he constantly feels simmers into anger that keeps building up. Mark is forced to see him ignore every single trace he left in their home, for someone he has been seeing since who knows when.

As much as he wants to be the kind of ghost that wishes for their loved ones’ happiness, he can’t find it in himself to do that. The string doesn’t seem to be getting thinner, but rather longer. He presses his back against a corner of their living area, wanting to shut out every single noise in the room.

Mark suppresses a scream, but he manages to get a hold of a picture frame, and then he throws it to the ground. The lights go off as he hears it shatter. The shift then occurs, and he tries to collect air into his lungs, but it’s as if they’re decaying by itself.

Seconds, maybe minutes pass after that. Mark realizes what he did; he managed to get their attention. He hears them murmur about the paranormal event that just occurred, but then it gets quiet again. Someone must have been silenced with a kiss.

He is left with no choice but to wander around the apartment, feeling a hole start to form in the center of his torso. He purposely shuts everything out, just sits by the small kitchen, waiting for everything to be over. And after what feels like forever, the sight that he sees makes his heart break.

Donghyuck is wearing the shirt of the person he just took home. It was big enough on the person he doesn’t want to bother knowing, but it’s bigger on him. And when he thought that it wasn’t going to hurt enough, he was no longer wearing the ring he bought him before.

The string may still be there for him, but maybe Donghyuck can’t feel it anymore. Mark watches him start to move on and smile for someone new, just as he was so sure that he’ll still have all his best smiles.

He is forced to watch Donghyuck fall in love for someone else, and there’s nothing Mark can do about it.

*

The apartment has been collecting dust these days. Mark spends most of his time making himself comfortable on the couch, watching the clock move its hands while waiting for Donghyuck to come home. He has been staying here less, and staying someplace else more.

He’s probably with his boyfriend right now. The thought makes him chuckle sadly.

It’s sad, really. It seems to be most of the living move on from the dead so easily. They like to think that they’re holding onto the memories of their dead loved one, when in reality, they aren’t. They just stop crying and being sad and go on with their lives, without ever knowing the feelings of the ones from the other side.

Or maybe it’s just him, since he died so abruptly and wasn’t able to do so much within twenty-two years. He is dead anyway, so he’ll just acknowledge the fact that he is bitter about being slowly forgotten.

Mark wonders if his parents and friends are doing much better. Maybe they are, or maybe not. How can he know, when there is a string holding him back?

A string that’s close to getting cut.

He hears the door open again, and Donghyuck appears better. He does look okay, like he’s doing much better. The glow he has is back to how it usually was back when he was still alive. To know that it’s like that now because of someone else makes him question his own worth. He wants to look back on his own memories, but the more time passes, he starts to forget them too.

If he keeps forgetting, then he might forget the reason why he’s here too.

Mark gets up from the couch, feels the string at its thinnest as he moves his right hand. He then trails behind Donghyuck, to see what he’s about to do, since he looked so determined the moment he came back.

He watches him go through the very small storage room their apartment had, watches him take out a huge box. For why would he need one? It’s not like he is going anywhere anytime soon.

Right?

In his eyes, he watches him put objects they have bought together into the box, the ones that aren’t fragile of course. The shift happens once again, and the shortness of breath is then accompanied by a migraine so intense he nearly screams. He nearly falls to the ground, but he leans his body against the wall, feeling the string weaken.

Is this really the end?

Donghyuck eventually puts all the traces he left in the apartment within the box, wearing a smile that indicates he has gotten the closure he needed. He is definitely coming to terms with the fact that he isn’t around anymore. After who knows how long, Mark finally sees him embrace the pain and be happy.

This leaves him conflicted. Because as Donghyuck hugs the box close to his chest, whispering a heartfelt “I’ll always love you, hyung,” Mark heard something snap.

He raises his right hand, looking at the rope-like material wrapped around his pinky finger. His eyes then follow the thread that has gotten longer since his demise, and sees that his half of it has been cut off. Donghyuck has let him go.

Mark is then free to wander, now that he has nothing holding him down anymore. He can leave this apartment and let his soul wander to various parts of the world, and do his part in letting go of the living world too.

But he doesn’t want to. He isn’t ready; he might never be ready.

Again, he is forced to watch Donghyuck walk around so freely, now that there’s no string holding him back anymore. Mark is confused at a loss, unsure where he should go from here. The sensation of what seems to be his form disintegrating starts here.

*

He has watched him empty the place and put it up for sale. He has watched him leave some of the furniture they bought together.

Just now, Mark watches Donghyuck walk out the door for the last time, knowing that he’ll never come back. He cries when he notices the smallest yet most painful detail of this event.

Never did he look back, or turn around just to reminisce about the good years they had shared together. He walked out the door like Mark was another chapter of his life that came to a close, like he was someone who didn’t matter as much as he thought. He walked out of the place like it wasn’t his home for a good period of time too.

Donghyuck walked out of their home like he never bothered to hear what Mark had to say about this. Not like he has the ability to say anything, anyway. He has been dead to him, and to every single loved one. He should have left the moment they were no longer connected, he knows.

And yet, he chooses to stay in the now unoccupied apartment. He chooses to wander around the same familiar corners for years, with a bit of hope in his already shattered heart that maybe just _maybe_ , Donghyuck will come back here.

He chooses to let the days pass him by, as various people enter to buy what was once their home. Mark foolishly chooses to wait for that day to come, ignoring the shifts that get frequent, the shifts that heavily imply he’ll be sucked into another dimension sooner than expected.

When a new couple eventually moves in and starts unpacking their boxes and all, Mark learns why ghosts stay within infrastructures or specific areas. To the living, they’re the ones who are haunting and scaring them out. But to someone like him, he’s just someone who is waiting for a miracle to happen.

Foolishly, he presses himself against a corner of the wall, hugging his knees close to his chest. He watches the couple wear the same smiles that he and Donghyuck had when they first moved in here. It makes him all the more miserable.

His misery makes the lights flicker, but it’s shrugged off, because they assume it’s just a result of an electric shortage and not a paranormal occurrence. Mark is left with no choice, but to wallow further into what he lost forever ago.

He no longer wanders and watches everything unfold. He _waits_.

*

_“Ah, you’re thinking too much again!” The tone of Donghyuck’s voice makes him think that he is about to nag him for worrying about matters they’d rather not discuss at the moment, but he gets a kiss on the forehead rather than an onslaught of words._

_Mark looks at him with widened eyes, unable to let out a sound._

_“We can talk about the coming out part later. We have a lot of time in the world, and I’ll be ready when you’re ready.” He then leaves a soft kiss on his lips, which Mark greatly appreciates._

_He looks up at Donghyuck like how someone would look at a shooting star across the sky. “Will I still have you by the time I’m ready?” He cannot help but ask._

_Mark sees the most eager nod coming from him, ever. He looks so cute doing it that it makes him giggle. It takes a lot of strength to keep all his emotions in when Donghyuck leaves a kiss on his cheek and whispers a sweet promise to his ears._

_“You’ll always have me.”_

*

It took a really long time, but it has finally happened. Mark, who has been attached to the wall and causing a great number of disturbances in their home for quite a long time, dissolves into what he has already been the moment the string broke.

He dissolves, and becomes nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> now that you are here, i will share to you 2 things that bore this child:
> 
> 1\. 5 seconds of summer's the ghost of you (i've always wanted to write a fic inspired by this, and i'm really glad i did.)  
> 2\. i had a dream after i watched a ghost story of me, being d-word. to sum it all up, i hated it and woke up crying like a baby.
> 
> if you like this then you can perhaps, leave a kudos and a comment. hehe. that would be neat. have a great day.


End file.
